Yes non-believers, showing more resolve than George Bush at a Scrabble Tournament, our beloved Rangers took this week to break from a tried and true Ranger tradition…the first minute opposing goal! Yes you read that correctly, a potential anomaly that could bring the handful of games this has not occurred in up to a grand total of…4, or is it 3 (Nick, can you help me here?). An event that could shake the very fabric that is Beer League Hockey.

Late Tuesday night, as the :59 mark approached Rangers young and old held their collective breath. The anticipation was palatable, would this be the night? The countdown had begun :59.8, :59.9, 1:00!!!! The seemingly unimaginable had been achieved, a moment Rangers for generations to come would remember. Those of us lucky to have been a part of it will sleep soundly, confident that we had secured our place in sporting history, the account of which will be backed up on servers the world over so future generation can never forget what happened this night. Let the historical documents also note, nay, footnote, that this storied event occurred on a rare opposing forfeit night, a fact that shall be buried in Al Gore’s lockbox…much like the details of Meat’s seeing eye, laser of a goal 3 games back (don’t pretend you don’t remember because it’s on the internet so it must be true).

Notes:

1) Ranger-Pa-Looza fast approaches, 5/31, 4pm…to avoid scores of horny internet sports groupies flocking to Meat’s house, directions will not be printed on the website, instead they will be emailed to the team (except Bob Black).

2) Everyone has signed up for something to bring:
a) Shulmistra, that broccoli salad better be damn good as much as you talk about it.
b) Brent, you are the only one NOT to sign up for something…and no bringing your considerable hockey knowledge does not count as bringing something.

3) Meat, following through on what has become somewhat of his calling in life, joined the Old Chicago World Beer Tour this week and promptly finished off two imports over lunch. It’s free, the food is good, I highly recommend a future post game at Old Chicago.

Till next week…

RALEIGH, NC-Paul Strand, Youth and Amateur Hockey Coordinator for the National Hockey League’s Carolina Hurricanes, today announced that Junior Hurricanes AAA Under-16 team captain and Raleigh native Matt Gellatly was selected by the Saginaw Spirit of the Ontario Hockey League in the 2008 OHL Priority Selection. Gellatly, a forward, is the first Junior Hurricanes player to be selected into the OHL, one of Canada’s three top-tier major-junior hockey leagues.

Gellatly (5′10″, 180 lbs.) notched 19 goals and 17 assists (36 points) in 36 games with the Junior Hurricanes in 2007-08, led the team in power-play goals and garnered attention during the team’s appearance at a Nike Bauer tournament in Chicago. Gellatly, 17, twice represented the Carolinas at the Quebec International Pee-Wee Tournament, and, in 2004, was a member of the team that scored the Junior Hurricanes’ first win at the annual tournament. He led his district-bound Tier II team in scoring the past two seasons, played at the Under-15 National Festival and has competed in the last four annual Southeast District player development blue/grey games. Gellatly began playing hockey in 1996 in the Raleigh Youth Hockey Association as a mini-mite.

Junior Hurricanes 2008-09 head coach Clay Cotie, who serves as a regional scout for the Red Deer Rebels of the Western Hockey League, recommended Gellatly to his counterparts in the OHL, as USA Hockey’s Southeast District falls within the OHL’s designated territory for selecting players, making Gellatly ineligible to be drafted by a WHL team. Saginaw selected the Enloe High School junior in the 15th round, 286th overall, and Gellatly is awaiting information regarding the Spirit’s summer prospect camp. For more information regarding the 2008 OHL Priority Selection, please visit www.ontariohockeyleague.com/ps2008/.

Media interested in contacting Matt Gellatly or his parents, Jim and Cathy, are asked to please contact the Carolina Hurricanes media relations department.

Rangers note…Matt played one season with the Beer League Rangers thus making him technically the first Ranger to emerge from the Beer League Ranger developmental league and be drafted in the OHL. Assistant GM in charge of player development Tim Christie expressed extreme pride in hearing the news, but behind his eyes there lay a certain sadness, like a mother sending her first born off into the world alone for the first time. “Sure there have been other prospects over the years, MeatRocket, BigFatMamma, Bob Black…and they were all talented to be sure, but none had that desire to take it to the next level, well maybe except for Meat but he sort of did lack the talent come to think of it,” said Christie clearly wiping away tears in his only face to face interview since the news broke earlier this week. Further calls to Christie for interviews have not been returned. All further inquiries should be made to the Rangers media relations department, aka MeatRocket387. Please allow 2-4 business day for response and expect heavy doses of biting sarcasm.Editor’s Note: Original Article courtesy of Carolina Hurricanes.com and should any serious media outlets locate this site, these are jokes people so please don’t sue us…and if you do, please forward any subpoena paperwork to Bob Black, c/o: St. Mike’s Retirement Home, Ranger Building B-1, Cary, NC 27655…in person deliveries should look for the building directly up the Weavil Building’s arse.

Yes, Rangers, another season has come to an end without the sweet taste of cheap champagne for a victory. However, a win is a win, and every kid dreams of winning the last game of the season. Last night, the Weevils needed fumigation, and though we didn’t have Jack “The Exterminator” Sprague, we were able to take the game.

Eight Rangers suited up, two of them for the final games of their Ranger careers (Marcus and Wilson), and played in a thoroughly lackluster affair (on both teams). Scott went back and forth between bored to tears and in the shooting gallery all night long. Ranger shooters continued to pelt shots and the goalie, hitting her over and over in her chest protector…? But it was Booty Call in the shootout that got the winning goal.

If I was to look back at the game, I feel that we have gotten a little too casual on our breakout play. If only there was a former player (or at least one we haven’t seen in a month) who knows of some tried-and-true method that we could implement. Perhaps something perfected by monks or at least Catholic High School kids…. Maybe next season we can buy a video.

We determined, after last week’s plentiful turnout, that a case of beer goes a long way with only 8 drinkers compared to 14. Had I known we only would have had 8 players, I would have asked John to bring the beer and we could have had one each. The pizza still was good, and the beer was still relatively cold at Ziggy’s. Many of us stayed late into the night, because no one wanted to go to the can and start the mad rush out the door. Usually, MeatRocket stays behind and closes down the night with Dave.

Good season Rangers.

Good luck Marcus and Wilson. If ever you’re back in town with your gear….

Beerman out.

In penalty minutes that is. Yes fight fans, Don King here to pontificate on a pugilistic spectaculocity known in all the farthest corners of the globe…a colossus of ginormity some call the 8th wonder of the modern world, with a name that strikes fear into the hearts of all who have had the misfortune of hearing it spoken. Three words that when uttered aloud send grown men to their mothers, three words children dare never utter aloud in front the mirror for fear he may appear behind them to whisk them off into the cold darkness of the night. I speak of course of the infamous Big Fat Mamma, or as he is known in some parts, the Notorious B.F.M.

Yes Ranger faithful, this week’s contest saw a match up of indescribable significance. Although a second round lead up to the championship game, most in attendance would agree this game represented the true championship, adding even more gravity to an already daunting challenge. The game started like so many before it. The Ranger team, so as not to superstitiously break with a now all too familiar tradition, allowed the early goal, albeit at 2:30 instead of :45 this go around. A collective “shite” was let out by the bench, quickly followed by something resembling a rather rank chili gas presumably released by a yet unnamed Ranger-ite. Calling on years of practical experience and sensing the souring mood evidenced by the pained expressions on the faces of Rangers both young and old (older I should say), Brent Selman transformed Bruce Banner style into a hulking juggernaut for whom there would be no answer. Timing his notch so as to provide the simplest mathematics for our scholarly scorekeeper, Selman tied the game at precisely the 14:00 mark of the period. Many say his clock management skills are an ancient Canadian secret…still others claim to have noticed an ever so slight glance down towards a gun metal, water and shock resistant wrist watch. Said watch could not be located post goal thus adding further weight to the growing mystique that is the Selman scoring touch.

Not to be outdone by the precision timing of the Ranger’s youngest (or is it oldest?) Selman, the Shaved Beavers answered back at precisely the 2:30 mark of the second period, marking two consecutive frames notching a goal at the same precise point in the period. It is rumored for their next trick the aforementioned Beavers would attempt the unthinkable, playing in the A league, but such speculation has since been discounted as it would severely impair their ability to pad their statistics. Still some camps enter the post season believing the taxidermy twins will enter the summer C league in efforts to each clear the 100pt marks in 14 games and bolster their future NHL prospects. Editor’s Note: It is the policy of this publication to not comment on rumor, instead we simply provide the data and allow others to publicly mock its validity.

Following the two quick tallies to start the second period the Ranger bench was seemingly deflated. Who amongst us could rise up and put down the beast that was the Beavers? In a stunning display of dexterity and determination, MeatRocket proved undisputedly what many Rangers have long since understood…his soccer skills far outweigh his hockey skills. Roofing an 18 mile an hour wrister to the glove side, Meat swooped in like an overweight blue and red condor and soccer kicked the ensuing rebound center to what can only be described as a streak of light called Nick. Not to be outdone by Meat’s theatrics, Nick pulled out his best Bo Jackson and baseball batted the puck out of mid air, while maintaining enough composure to quickly calculate the height of the cross bar, the angle of the incoming puck and precise velocity at which he would need to contact for optimal goalage…and poof, nothing but net (On a personal editor’s note, no assist? Throw me a freaking bone here Pointstreak). With momentum on their side, Tim “fearless leader” Christie, recounting his Dead Poet’s Society fetish, carpe diem’ed it, punching in a beautiful snapper to tally the tying goal at the six minute mark of the period…precisely 6 minutes for those keeping score at home. Continuing the clash of the titans theme, the Beavers answered back yet again with 2 quick scores to take a 5-3 lead as the 2nd period wound down. And so the clock whittled down…the Rangers facing a potential 2 goal deficit to start the third period. With guts being checked up and down the bench, Mr. Wilson, pulling his own Dennis the Menace routine off a clean face off win, slingshot a wrister glove side at the 19:30 mark to pull the determined Rangers within 1 goal to start the 3rd.

Ah, the third. In hindsight the third period, aside from some minor Weevil-esk play here and there by the Beavers, was relatively uneventful…until…the 14:20 mark. In reality what was about to occur grew from the seeds planted some :30 to :40 seconds earlier in front of the Ranger bench, when a particularly douchie Beaver decided it was a good idea to single out one of the two largest players on the ice in Jack, and stick him up high. New Coke? Electric Cars? Speedos? In the hierarchy of historically bad ideas, this Beaver’s decision ranks up there with the best of them. Big Fat Mamma’s face spontaneously combusted, instantly drying the sweaters of those on the Ranger bench, melting the ice below his skates, and most importantly foreshadowing what was imminent. Mamma human torched his way across the ice to the far side of the Beaver’s ice…Mamma and the Beaver collided with each other (never thought I would pen a sentence like that) with such magnitude that the stanchions shook all the way around the rink, evocating some strange padded, sheet metal wave routine.

What followed was the inevitable coming together of all players on the ice, with Booty Call Coules coming in for backup…yes the 160 pound happy meal gave way to some kind of possessed Ovechkin-ish demon, rallying to the aid of the 225 pound Mamma…bonus points for team chemistry…double bonus points given Jack is twice Booty’s Call’s size. There is little reason at this point to give every detail as it was obvious to all involved it was f**king bullsh*it anyway, but particular attention must be afforded to the near perfect uppercut form displayed by our own Ranger Jack. It seems Jack has been secretly stealing away to some Detroit inner city, Apollo Creed sweat shop to study the sweet science in between ice hockey, work and Flying Saucer visits, as he unloaded a flurry of uppercuts with the skill of a man working the speed bag before a title bout. All tolled, upwards of 20 or more punches must have landed cleanly firmly placing this incident in neck and neck contention with John’s point blank beak punch earlier this year for best fight of the Ranger season. Incidentally, it was the wrong Beaver…which might propel this incident to the top of the list.

In the end the Beavers pulled out the win, sealing the deal with an empty netter at 19:19 of the third, marking the only tally of the game not to be scored on an even tick of the clock. The Beavers, to insure their reputation as slime remained in tact and as if to answer the arse kicking Mamma placed upon them just minutes earlier, took one last run at Rick with 9 second left, applying knee to knee for no apparent reason. A truly classless move.

Notes:

1) As Comic Book Guy would say, “Best Ranger turnout ever” (this goes for post game pizza and beer as well).
2) Record Setting…3 pizzas and 3 pitchers (or was it 4?).
3) MeatRocket can smell hot wings a nautical mile away (as well as vinegar).
4) Smells can be deceiving. Ziggy can make a pie but the wings were as chewy as the Beavers’ douche.
5) Wilson gets 2.5% commission off of all ad-generated revenue on the Chromeos website, which incidentally is http://www.myspace.com/chromeo (Wilson you’re good for it, just get me my 1% next week).
6) All Rangers can hold their heads high for a solid season, class throughout and teamwork (there’s no joke here in case you were looking for some hidden meaning…oh crap technically that’s a joke, now I can’t stop, it’s like a black hole and I can’t break free from its grasp).
7) As always be sure to urinate before the rest of the blokes are finished with their beers or it’s you, Dave and Ziggy closing out last call.
It was a booty call.
9) MeatRocket is gone next week, so is Jack…but more importantly…it’s the Weevils!
10) Most Importantly: There will be a keg at Ranger-Pa-Looza (special shout out to Coules and Christie, just make sure it isn’t piss).

Editor’s Note: No Write-up Next Week as Meat will be partying with Mickey Mouse like it’s 1939…and special thanks for all the compliments on the write-ups this week guys.